Deceit

After I went to school pm Friday, I made a scary realisation of my heart. As I alighted the shuttle bus and walked toward nanyang auditorium, the once familiar sense of unfamiliarity came over me. I felt uneasy at first and then when I reached the entrance of nanyang auditorium, there were crowds and groups gathering. It was then that I felt regret, regret for not signing up for orientation camp. I kept thinking to myself that I could have been in one of those groups, with friends, a circle which can shelter me from alienation.

I thought back on my decision on why I did not want to join orientation camp. Up till the very last day of deadline I was still considering on whether I should have joined camp.. My reasons for skipping camp was because of stories from seniors and knowing the strong SDU links and influence on the camps, orientation camp was gonna be more like a 'dating camp', I did not want to force myself to go through such a camp, put myself in awkward situations and having to reject almost every 'dating' activity or those which are against my christian values. Also, I consider such flippant interactions with the opposite sex to be considered to be flirting or worse, it is against the convictions which I have about attraction, relationship and of love.I feel that SDU makes lab rats out of the freshmen attending such camps.

It struck me at the point in time when I felt regret that my intentions for not attending camp were..superficial and impure. If you had read it, it might even have appeared to be a witness for Christ. My intentions were not to glorify Christ. They were at best a personal preference. Christ was definitely not pre eminent. This experience was really humbling, because even in doing the apparently right thing may not be right and may not have any eternal value at all if we do not have the right heart because God sees and knows the hearts of all men.

^{I cannot trust in my own heart, nor can I even judge it, only God can. Much less judge others' heart and impute intentions to their actions and words.}

The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?
“I, the LORD, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give to each man according to his ways,
According to the results of his deeds.

Jeremiah 17:9-10