Mental Suicide

I had my first test in like 2+ years just yesterday, it was a physics quiz, 5 MCQ, 15% weightage. Prior to it I was pretty stressed up that a mistake would make a BIG difference and I gave myself pressure that I HAD to do well for my first year to boost my GPA.

Right before the test, there was this rumour going around that the test was imba difficult, no use studying textbook or tutorials. (It turned out to be manageable.) I sort of gave up in my mind already, at least half given up.

When I was doing the quiz questions, anxiety seized me, I started getting brain blocks, could not focus, jumped from question to question and unable to analyse clearly. It was a nightmare.

You may think that I am a hard working student and have prepared well and much for this test. You are right. In fact, I did more than what was required.

After the test, I figured that I had only got 2 out of 5 questions correct. Less than 10 mins after the end of the paper, I got all the answers figured out in my mind. What does it say? I had it in me. Dear reader, you may think now, poor guy, he did his best but just did not adapt well to the pressure. Well, the purpose of my blog is not really to help me remember daily happenings but what matters much to my heart and to my soul. What really happened, in my heart, in God's eyes were these:

1) Self Love

The pressure that drove me to study and prepare, I realise was driven by self love. It was driven by the fear or bad grades. It was far far away my prayer for God's glory to consume all of my heart's desire. I found that out only after I knew I did badly for my test. The prayer of thanksgiving I uttered to God was almost forced and hypocritical because deep down in my heart, I screamed "I could have done it!" I was not truly concerned with glorifying Christ in my heart.

2) Worry & Not entrusting myself to God & Not trusting God

Just the night before, I had counselled my own heart and convinced myself to go for Bible study, for surely, the knowledge of God and His Word is of the highest importance in my life - coupled with my relationship with Christ. I was also convicted that even though I had to rush like mad and even cab if needed, I would make those sacrifices to go for BS because I experienced for myself and knew the power of the Word of God which works in me and changes my inner man in profound ways. I needed God's Word. Straight after BS, I was once again worrying. Thinking of the kingdom of self. A true sheep by nature, dull and slow to understanding am I. Rebellious and stiff necked by self-resurrected nature, sigh. I really need God's grace to test and try my thoughts and to refine them that in my heart, there will be a mature and deep love for Christ.

After the test, I just gamed the day away, gaining zero satisfaction, just following my heart and my eyes. I had committed mental suicide and taken the venomous pill of sin. I was just frustrated, lost, angry, given up.

Thank God for being gracious to show me my heart and how small my faith really is through such a test, a test of the heart.

Dear reader, you may have a good impression of me but in this blog, be prepared to face the real me. If you are a fellow brother and sister in Christ, I hope you will walk with me in prayer and counsel, for our LORD Jesus Christ. God bless.