it was all in the past

I tried a new route home from camp today, bus svc 858 to khatib then train to queenstown... reached home 20mins earlier!! I must be pretty slow to discover this faster alterative route only after 10 months in the unit lol. However the travelling time still depends on traffic conditions and waiting time, so it really depends.

On my walk home from the mrt station, I bought myself a cheese pancake from mr bean (just to break the $50 note which my mum instructed me to do so in the morning, haha!) I was walking up the stairs when the corner of my eye caught sight of a grey van. It looked like those manufactured in malaysia with an old design, having this retro look, it looked like the van which my dad drove when I was young. Slowed down my pace to gaze at the van for a longer time, memories flashed into my mind of the times which I spent with my dad.

I remember once when papa and I went out, both of us hopped on the van. (When I was young I really stuck to papa like glue hah, especially during visits to relatives' house or when we were at places which I was unfamiliar with.) I guess its cause of the sense of security which a father gives, the child feels safe just by simply being around the father :) Then, my dad stated matter-of-factly, "When you grow up, you won't stick to me like you do now." I retorted immediately, "No! I'll still want to have you around wherever I go!"

I believe this conversation took place when I was still in primary school when my dad still drove the van. I really enjoy the wind (we usually wind down the windows instead of using the air con) and the slightly bumpy ride. In fact, when I take a ride in a full air conditioned and very stable car, I will get kinda car sick :S

That was ~10 years ago. 5 years ago, we said our goodbyes and by the abundant, amazing and all sufficient grace of God my family is sustained. It did not take 10 years for me to change. It was only a few years into secondary school that I had a change of mindset, I wanted privacy, I did not want to share my life with my parents. Oddly, this reminded me of Peter's denial of Christ and his initial stubborness to Christ. While this does bear resemblence to that to a certain degree, its not my emphasis in this post.

I have changed. For better or for worse? I think for worse >> better.

Papa asked me once when I was in the lift, "how will you feel when I pass on?" I remembered that I paused, was really caught off guard by that question, but answered him before the lift rached the 20th storey, "I will be very sad lo."

Papa was one who had foresight, who was always preparing me for the future because he understood the frailness and vulnerability of life. He was a great man, in my sight.

I still have many questions for you, dad.